Schadenfreude is defined by a trait shared by humans that makes us derive pleasure from another's misery or misfortune. Apart from the obvious yet peculiar qualities that are typical only to human beings, this one seems to be the darkest in nature. And yet - we're all slave to it. The goody two shoes-perfectness coupled by cascading luck of any person is BOUND to get on everyone else's nerves. We just wait for that tiny stumble, ears pricked for any type of complaint and we rush in toppling over ourselves offering solace and comfort and kind words. We want misery in other peoples' lives so we can reach out to the good in ourselves. It is very basic human nature that drives us to talk about our small and big miseries to friends, families or sometimes even complete strangers. That's one way of looking at it.
Another reason why we may feel a wee bit of pleasure when another person fails is because we find comfort in the fact that people around us are only human - just like us. Its very comforting.
Motherhood does some serious tampering with the brain. A side effect of that is heightened sense of empathy and compassion. A baby's cries trigger that need in us to understand the urgency what that baby is feeling - exactly as she/he is feeling, so we can respond accordingly. Its miraculous. The problem with that is when we start to empathise with anyone and everyone around us. We keep putting ourselves in the shoes of everyone who brings their stories to us. There is NOT a single mother in the world who remains untouched by a story revolving another child - even more so if the child's age/gender/other attributes match their own. Their is a constant attachment to any situation we come across, that comes by the way of a constant question - "What if it were my kid? What if this was us?".
So when I hear stories of struggles a mother is facing or a child is facing - there is not a single iota in my brain that feels any kind of comfort in the situation - Not even a "Thank God its not me!".
When I come across a perfect case where everything is going how it should be- the baby's weight is by the book, no one's getting sick, no issues with day care/sitter - in any other case I would have been green with jealousy - but in a mother-child's case there's just a silent prayer that leaves me that asks for their perfect situation to go on forever.
Another- maybe more realistic way to look at it is - the comfort of constant misery. We as mothers KNOW that there's always something. A kid who is playful wont eat, a kid who eats is not doing well at school. Even when things are going by the book and are perfect - we find something else to worry about. Thats just us. My son/daughter is not tall enough/healthy enough/strong enough/intelligent enough/independent enough and so on and so forth. We need someone else to show us the mirror that everything is okay- and there is really nothing to worry about. And while this may seem the end of the world to us- they are children and they outgrow almost anything. This ever changing world and situation keeps us grounded and is a regular reminder that anything of this could happen to anyone anytime. That sub-conscience realisation helps us to really feel their issues - not just to bring out the good in us but to actually feel as if its really our own problem!
Maybe thats why Motherhood is a pretty big deal - because either way even normal, regular people like me - become a little better than an average human being at that time and something even as basic as Schadenfreude means nothing to me.
Another reason why we may feel a wee bit of pleasure when another person fails is because we find comfort in the fact that people around us are only human - just like us. Its very comforting.
Motherhood does some serious tampering with the brain. A side effect of that is heightened sense of empathy and compassion. A baby's cries trigger that need in us to understand the urgency what that baby is feeling - exactly as she/he is feeling, so we can respond accordingly. Its miraculous. The problem with that is when we start to empathise with anyone and everyone around us. We keep putting ourselves in the shoes of everyone who brings their stories to us. There is NOT a single mother in the world who remains untouched by a story revolving another child - even more so if the child's age/gender/other attributes match their own. Their is a constant attachment to any situation we come across, that comes by the way of a constant question - "What if it were my kid? What if this was us?".
So when I hear stories of struggles a mother is facing or a child is facing - there is not a single iota in my brain that feels any kind of comfort in the situation - Not even a "Thank God its not me!".
When I come across a perfect case where everything is going how it should be- the baby's weight is by the book, no one's getting sick, no issues with day care/sitter - in any other case I would have been green with jealousy - but in a mother-child's case there's just a silent prayer that leaves me that asks for their perfect situation to go on forever.
Another- maybe more realistic way to look at it is - the comfort of constant misery. We as mothers KNOW that there's always something. A kid who is playful wont eat, a kid who eats is not doing well at school. Even when things are going by the book and are perfect - we find something else to worry about. Thats just us. My son/daughter is not tall enough/healthy enough/strong enough/intelligent enough/independent enough and so on and so forth. We need someone else to show us the mirror that everything is okay- and there is really nothing to worry about. And while this may seem the end of the world to us- they are children and they outgrow almost anything. This ever changing world and situation keeps us grounded and is a regular reminder that anything of this could happen to anyone anytime. That sub-conscience realisation helps us to really feel their issues - not just to bring out the good in us but to actually feel as if its really our own problem!
Maybe thats why Motherhood is a pretty big deal - because either way even normal, regular people like me - become a little better than an average human being at that time and something even as basic as Schadenfreude means nothing to me.
7 comments:
Very well expressed Snehal. Do you think this phenomenon of rising above Schadenfreude is universal across all moms, regardless of what kind of people they may be?
Once again bang on.... Keep it up snehal
I don't think it changes anyone's fundamental nature but there's atleast a phase in every mum's life where she rises above Schadenfreude. It mostly happens in the early days, I guess.
Thank you Pratima !
Nice one Snehal !! My take on this...
I believe the sense of schadenfreude is very subjective. Irrespective of the fact, one is a mom or to-be mom or not .. ...any good human cannot have his feeling when it comes to any significant or serious issue a person may be undergoing. For eg.. If you learn that a person you have always disliked has met with a major accident or has a child who has a major problem, we somehow forget the fact that he was our hate list at one point in time.We just immediately sympathize& hope for the best for that person. However, if the very same person, whom we always disliked or felt jealous about undergoes a smallest hit, we will definitely have a secret sense of pleasure in us.... Even if you are a mom or not!!:) So, I think it's just human behaviour which is situational and depends on the extent of misery that person is undergoing.. If it is manageable one... We feel good else we feel worse!
Absolutely Reema ! What you said is absolutely right. What I've meant to say is that it only becomes more heightened when you become a mum. Even when its nothing serious or significant and you know that in any other case this wouldve made you feel better to know that your friend is also in the same discomfort as you are - here it doesn't and it just doubles how bad you're feeling.. Even for small stupid things. Like in class 3 if you and your friend had failed the mid term. The fact that your friend also failed would make you feel a little better. Might even be a little funny. But if now your friend is struggling to put her kid in daycare and your kid doesn't say.. So it wouldn't make you feel better that you both are struggling for small things with your kids. It's nothing significant and you know it's going to be okay - but here it's not comforting. Hope you understood what I meant to say!!
Very interesting!
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