A Beautiful Mess

These days - as part of a personal experiment - I maintain a dream journal. Unlike the typical dream journals - this one is a daydream journal. As is self explanatory- It is a book of dreams and possibilities, scenarios I daydream about. Some aspirations are practically feasible and some a wee bit far fetched.

One of the entries in the journal talks about how I've had a perfect day at work and walked into a perfectly spotless and superbly organised, beautiful, tastefully decorated, spacious house.
You don't have to be a dream-expert to know what it means. It simply means, that I'm currently unemployed (and potentially permanently unemployable), we live in a hole in a wall kind of house that rivals what Jerry enjoys in the Tom and Jerry show, which in-spite of all my back breaking efforts remains strewn with all sorts of toddler and non toddler related mess. This is also the subject of discussions between me and my husband - to which my ultimate response becomes - 'What do you expect? This is not a hotel and I'm not the housekeeping."  I'm also a walking dairy, cook, laundry man, nanny, mommy and an aspirational writer and a voracious reader who likes to dip her soul in one too many books, but thats another story for another day.

Coming back to my fantasy of a clean and beautiful house- the 'inner peace' me knows that it shall all happen one day. However, that day will also mean that my toddler will not be a toddler any more and will probably be grown up enough to have moved out. Maybe then, when I have that kind of peace around me, I'll miss this kind of mess. This kind of mess that comes with the amazing side effects of warm squishy cuddles and lots of senseless chatter and tweety bird like sounds from all around the house, the wide-eyed-totally trusting-innocent face that breaks into a disarming goo-goo-gaa-gaa grin without a moment's notice and sometimes even through recent tears.

I will probably remember, amazed how my daughter and I brought each other up through all this. How we both struggled. How I struggled to make her a person and she, to make me a better one. How I'll yearn to live it all again, to make the same mistakes again, to enjoy those little sounds and gooey grins again. Somehow- as if waking up from my dream- I realise happily that I'm here! It's as if my wish came true and I'm right here, living it all again. I realise with relief, that I still have some time to enjoy those warm cuddles and that absolute, innocent trust, when a hug and a kiss actually makes all the boo boo go away. There's still time and I'm going to make the best of it. If in course of that the house is a mess - so be it. Its my beautiful mess.